thankful

Wayfarer

this year has been a whirlwind, and december always brings my heart to a happy pitter.

i have learned about people this year,

and that we are alike in more ways than we are different;

and that letting go is easier than holding on.

i’ve learned that i don’t need to respond to people who bring tension to my heart; because if there’s one thing i now understand it is that my heart knows what’s right before my brain understands.

i’ve learned that my emotions and my desires matter.

i matter.

i’ve learned that the people near you need to be held and loved, because words are just words and actions will always say more.

when in doubt hug it out. the people i love will not be around forever; and when i feel terminal end of a hug i hold on a few second longer.

those extended moments are refuge and hope, moments steeped in restoration.

nothing says  you matter more than not wanting to let go; you take up space and i appreciate every centimeter and ounce of your vast self.

the experiences, hopes and the details of your life matter.

and what a beautiful thing it is

to understand

that in the end we have shared experiences and

we belong to one another.

 

AW

Welcome Back.

Wayfarer

Backstory

I have not shown my love for this site in quite some time. This year has been filled with arrant changes: I finished my first year of teaching (yay!), I’ve settled into my own home (adulting points), and I’ve begun to use time management strategies to find success in planning (including regular gym time!), and I started hiking on a regular basis. I finished my teaching credentials, and am currently researching my Masters thesis.

I’ve marked this year with progress. I dislike bragging (basically I’m physically uncomfortable typing this out) but I am proud, and maybe these accomplishments will help you understand where I’m coming from when I say: welcome back.

I’ve met several inspiring people this year, too. It’s been a year of personal and professional growth thanks to their intelligence, enthusiasm, and charisma. The attitudes are infectious. I’m fortunate to work with these good hearted people, who give 110% of themselves to the children they teach.

Inspiring.

Personally, I love learning. I can’t wait to take new classes, write papers, and research solutions to problems in my classroom and in my district. This year I have learned to define self professionally and personally, but I’m embracing my flaws. Even the ones I would rather not talk about.

But that’s how problems are solved, no? By identifying the injury and dousing it in alcohol? This particular flaw is one I’ve been battling with for years.

I begin projects, and fail to follow through. Actually, I’m really great at starting new projects. The ideas flow, I get some friends in on it. Relationships as well. But the downfall lies in the upkeep. The question I’ve been asking myself, and the question I ask you is this: What do I need to learn about love and life to have successful relationships and experience success in all areas of life (emotional, spiritual, physical)? 

This is the list I’ve come up with: 

  • allegiance and dedication
    • to people, ideas, and tasks you take under your belt. Schedule check-ins, when you think of someone, text them or call them. Let them know you care and they are appreciated.
  • contact and collaboration
    • in relationships (plutonic and romantic, work or pleasure), we learn the most when we speak with one another. “No man is an island” is a poem by John Donne which articulates this idea beautifully.
  • good communication skills
    • eye contact, input/output exchange, genuine interest in the other person.
  • truthfulness
    • with yourself and others. BE UNABASHEDLY TRUTHFUL. Truth strengths all relationships, and it’s by far my #1 indicator of authenticity in others.
  • be willing to look silly
    • Get those ideas out there. Make the funny faces and speak with the weird accents. Happiness is showcasing who you are, don’t hide your brilliance. Imagine how bright the world would be if people weren’t afraid to be themselves.
  • realize that every person you come into contact with wants the same thing: to be loved and accepted
    • This idea is not mine. The Dali Lama articulated this idea beautifully. Considering our baseline for happiness is contingent upon the same concept of kindness and humanity, it makes it easier to listen lovingly and deeply to others. We’re working toward a common goal after all. Helping each other is necessary.

Goals and creativity: 

Set goals high If you don’t reach them today, odds are you’ll be much closer to reaching them tomorrow. It takes time to build up any kind of muscle: physical, mental, emotional. Keep moving upward.

Support system: Surround yourself with people who love and support you. Tell them about your goals, but keep track of your progress on your own. Don’t work to show off, work to smash the shit out of those goals on your own. The people you surround yourself are on your side even if you fall behind. Never forget that.

Dedication to progress. Allegiance and devotion to your own idea. Good or bad. See it to fruition and magic will happen. I read the works of Emerson and Thoreau in my youth: long humid summers on my porch in Oklahoma.  Those guys lit a fire under my ass about individualism and creativity, and it’s been burning bright ever since.

When you fail (yes when, not if) try again and maybe fail again. Failure is an opportunity to build yourself up. Foundations are not the most exciting or flashy part of a building, but structural integrity is key to success, man.

I’m still a work in progress, and so are you: 

The most exciting moments in life are when we grow. And the most beautiful part of growing if that there are so many new things to learn and discover. We are never truly finished, and there is no such thing as a final product.

As a constant work in progress and I lover of all, I’m hoping to not let anyone else down; I’m here to write, express, and voice everyday ideas that I’ve come to realize are transcendent, or at least applicable to other aspects of my life. If they also vibe with you, please email me or message me here. I’d like to know what your think and what is challenging you at the moment: maybe we can work together to make some changes.

Change is inevitable and accountability is necessary: I’m welcoming myself back to the creativity of writing, learning, and failures that come long with those endeavors. Holding this self accountable. You’ll be hearing more from me soon.

Molto amore e apprezamento.

The Wayfarer

 

You Can Succeed if You Decide Not to Fail.

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Some days  follow a theme. It’s easy to overlook if you’re not invested in what’s happening now (yes, that means you have to put your phone away for a while and let your spirit wander). I recently went on a trip to Los Angeles with a friend. The trip was much needed. A chance to refresh and re-inspire. Something we heard earlier in the trip stayed with me the entire day. A permanent impression on my brain.

We were listening to an interview on the radio. The host was interviewing a man who is quite successful. The segment highlighted his early career and struggles: sleeping on couches and having no money (often we say we’re broke, but this man literally had zero dollars and owed money…yikes).

While the interview was intriguing, the most influential part for me was when the interviewer commented to interviewee that it was depressing to think of the people who struggle to achieve success and don’t make to the top. The interviewee’s response was surprising and insightful. He said, “You know, I’ve never met anyone who has decided this is what they want to do and be unsuccessful. It’s the people who have a Plan B. Those are the people that don’t make it.”

Insert jaw drop and blown mind here, please.

A man with this much influence, affluence, charm and success worked for it. Damn hard. He’s human. He persevered. He did what he needed to do, and didn’t give up. That’s commendable and respectable in my book.

Should I drop names? I guess so, even though it doesn’t really matter. The man being interviewed was Ed Sheeran. The interviewer, Howard Stern.

This resonates because everyone has a dream. I meet people every day who aspire to do other things, but working is how they survive. Saying, “Oh, I know I can do it. But it doesn’t pay the bills.” If you are willing to invest time in a thing, and you hold it dear, it is worth dedicating your life to. It’s a fact that you will be poor. You might be hungry. Yeah, it’s an inconvenience not to have Netflix or buy a coffee whenever you want but it’s always worth it. The most important thing is to find what resonates with you. What makes you feel alive? What ignites your fire? Whether it be music, art, wood crafting, sculpting, writing, building homes, anything! If you love it, do it.

Nothing satisfies your soul more than succeeding in what you love to do. Failure is going to happen. I’m 100% sure that you will fail in what you do initially. The learning curve is enormous.

I’m 100% sure we will never succeed if we do not devote 110% of ourselves to the task. Good things require sacrifice. Pain makes success all the sweeter.

I believe in you. I know you can do this thing, whatever it is you’re deciding to do. Be realistic with your plan, be thrifty, talk to people who have experience and can help you. Don’t talk yourself out of it, just reach out. It won’t hurt. And at the end of the day, at the end of your LIFE (little dramatic but I’m unashamed) wouldn’t you like to say you did everything in your power to make it happen?

I know I do.

I can’t sugar coat everything, though. There are some nasty people out there. They will criticize you and be defensive because you’re pursuing something you love. It’s not you though, its them. We’re all in this together, and the more you gain that perspective the more you’ll understand that people are really upset with themselves and at their mistakes. It’s not you. It was never you. Keep doing what you love and thicken that skin, the road ahead is tumultuous but totally worth the ride.

Okay, I’ve been pepped talked. Now what? Write your goal down. Write down all the steps needed to achieve it. Then, do everything in your power to bring those small steps to fruition.

That’s at least what I will do. Just creating a plan makes me feel one step closer. Like the man I met the following day in L.A.

He was homeless, but clean and professional. Living in and out of a shelter, on people’s couches, and also going to school.  He’s pursuing music. We shared our current life situations and our hopes for the future. We exchanged contact info and I told him to let me know if he needed anything; I’ll be his friend and support. He returned the favor with endless gratitude and the warmest smile. Then I wished him well and hit the road.

He was driven. I hope he achieves what he came to California to do: connect with people and make art. I’m happy he exists. I’ll file that meeting under: inspiration.

Me? I’m focusing my efforts on my Plan A. You know, losing sleep over it, and giving up a few things I might otherwise enjoy to pursue music. I’m rolling up my sleeves because the fruit hanging from he highest branch will taste the sweetest.

Time to toughen up and climb.

~musicalwayfarer

Time Management and Checklists

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Time management is difficult to do. If you don’t manage your time you waste it. I feel like I’ve been wasting a considerable amount of time lately.

Until this week. I’ve been focusing my energy on cleaning up the messy corners in the bedroom of my life. Time management has been one of the most neglected aspects of my own life.

So here are some of the time management tips I’ve been implementing. And I have to say, it’s worked rather well over the past week.

  1. Create a checklist. This may seem like common sense, but the times when I felt the most anxiety were when I didn’t write the things down that I needed to accomplish! It’s overwhelming to carry everything around in your head. Do yourself a favor an put pen to paper.  Even if it’s a spew of nonsense and trivial tasks on paper, it will help you accomplish things that need to be done. I use Evernote to create my checklists. The format is clean and professional. And to be honest it’s simply gratifying to check each box.
  2. Prioritize said checklist. What are the things that absolutely need to be taken care of today? Order your list by importance.
  3. Check one thing off at a time. Don’t be overwhelmed with the length of your list. Whether it was 3 items or 30 items, it shouldn’t matter. FOCUS ON ONE TASK AT A TIME. I can’t believe how many times I’ve created a list and thrown it away because it intimidated me. Small steps and unidivided focus will conquer the list and the your necessary tasks of your day.
  4. Set time constraints. If you’re like me then you’re easily distracted by any little thing (I used to think it was a curse, but now I’ve changed my narrative to creative genius…). If this is the case then setting time constraints for certain tasks will help tremendously. For example if you’re writing a paper and you don’t want to spend all day on it (SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE), give yourself 10 minutes for the outline and 40 minutes to complete each paragraph. This only works if you’re willing to be honest with yourself about your work. Don’t like to yourself, get the business done.
  5. Wake up and hour or two earlier than usual. I know I know, you don’t get enough sleep as it is, right? I guarantee if you make a check list and finish early you’ll have time to head to sleep and hour or two earlier. Waking up early gives you more time to accomplish goals and visualize where you want to be at the end of the day. Plus, I do some of my most creative thinking in the early hours when my mind if refreshed. I don’t know if it’s the same for everyone, but it’s worth a shot right? It’s rough but you can learn the discipline. I believe in you.
  6. Make a list of the important things you need to accomplish tomorrow the night before. Plan ahead! That way the next day you’ll have a rough idea of what needs to be handled and how your day will look.
  7. Stay the course. Developing good habits isn’t easy. It doesn’t happen over night, either. We have to stay deliberate about how we spend our time and what we allow into our lives; life is shaped by how you spend your time.

Time is both a currency and an illusion. We’re wizards, and we can take charge of our lives by harnessing it’s power. We control time, time shouldn’t control us. Make the most of your day and start creating a checklist for each important task. I guarantee it will help you accomplish the things, and chisel you way to a goal or two.

Warm wishes and happy checking,

~musicalwayfarer

Self-Conscious at Home

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A rather interesting thing happened today.

And this may turn into more of a rant. But it’s still worth mentioning, I think.

I decided to wear a new shirt for the first time. I purchased the shirt from a concert I had attended a few weeks ago. It’s more of a tank top. And aside from being ridiculously overpriced for such a small piece of fabric, I was really happy with the purchase.

The band name is displayed prominently across the back side (lower back, which I thought was an interesting design BUT YOU KNOW I STILL LIKED IT). When I bought it, I made a choice to wear it only around the house. Because aside from displaying some of my favorite things: Reggae, rock, music, etc. It also said the word SEX.

Sex was the loudest word on the shirt. Which is fine. I still wanted the shirt so I bought it.

ANYWAY… I wore it today. I’d been cleaning my house for a solid hour when I realized I needed to make a trip to my car, which was parked conveniently in front of my home. A mere 10 second  walk.

I thought to myself: I never see my neighbors, especially this time of day. The car is right there. I’m not going to change my shirt to walk to my car. That’s a silly idea.

So I stepped into the world representing a realm of depravity and mother’s nightmares (I’m probably exaggerating here). The neighbors on both side of my house were home. Better yet, they were in their front yards and ready to strike up conversation.

Lovely.

I nonchalantly said hello to both  of them because Lord knows I couldn’t turn back. It was obvious that my younger man next door, who want my neighbor, liked my shirt. Like, really liked my shirt. My older neighbor either didn’t see, or politely declined to say anything out of courteousness.

Perhaps it was a slip up in my confidence: was I being self-conscious? Perhaps it was the cut of the shirt and the men who looked at me. Whatever it was, I was uncomfortable. So much so that I had to change my shirt when I got inside.

My shirt said sex, but it wasn’t an invitation for your eyes, nieghbor-sir. It wasn’t even that reveling. The context made me quite uncomfortable. I don’t like feeling unsafe, so usually if it’s 100 degrees outside I will hide my body for peace of mind.

But I didn’t today because I was home. In my own house. Cleaning.

Women have a high concern for safety across the board. Safety is drilled into our minds as young girls and young women: “The perils of the world will take your innocence”, says some authoritarian figure from some authorization soap-box. There are real dangers, and then there are scare tactics that embed and reinforce the male as a gargantuan unable to control his own urges. stereotypes. Gender stereotypes. That’s another conversation that I will most likely write about very soon. But in essence, I think I as more afraid than I should have been by the presence of my neighbors because of the clothes I decided to wear.

I think what really struck me is that it happened in from of my house. I would expect this to happen wearing my shirt to the someplace public. But that wasn’t the case. I was home.

It’s startling how unsafe some women feel in their own neighborhoods or at work. I go outside quite often. I started jogging again (yay!) but I would never jog at night in my neighborhood. Not alone anyway. It’s easy to feel this way when we are conditioned to live in fear.

But hey, I don’t want to take any chances. Daylight is best for walking and jogging. Even if it’s 100 degrees.

And even though I’m learning to love my body and accept it, I don’t want anyone staring at it with smiling eyes. It’s a breech of privacy and a stain on my vulnerable state. Mind your own. I’ll mind mine. Your stare is not a complement nor is is appreciated.

And even if my shirt said sex, it wasn’t an invitation for you to view me in that context. I guess that’s the price I pay for wearing it.

I’m just here supporting small bands and being fashionable.

I’m going to wear the shirt. I guess I need thicker skin. This moment hasn’t tarnished my love for the band, only my respect for the man who shamelessly checked me out while wearing it. It’s okay the check someone out, but have some dignity and class. It would be much more appreciated by the person you’re shamelessly objectifying.

~musicalwayfarer

Creativity and Comparison.

Wayfarer

Making things make me happy.

Like a lot of people, I am proud to build with my own hands and brand it with a unique and quirky mark: indicative to my personality.

When I get a new idea, either for a song or painting project, something takes hold of my spirit. I’m basically a child: engrossed and wide eyed. Coffee and music are my high. I’m in the zone.

Everyone experiences it when involved and engrossed in what they’re doing. So much so, that outside stimulants are of no consequence (it’s best to zone in your safe place, perhaps at home or with a friend whom can act as your unzon-ed DD).

It’s a sort of productive forgetfulness. It’s effective, but structure if important, too. Creative rampages are great (and necessary!) but we have to find a way to put it into perspective: asking key questions like, “Okay, now how do use this to help me reach a goal?” “What’s the next step?”.

Basically, these fits fuel more projects. They propel us forward to greater understanding of ourselves and the nature of people (if you’re a writer or artist you basically try to understand relationships, an almighty, or come to terms with your past and other people). Which brings me to my next point:

The zone in artistry is a non-comparive place. Do you know why? BECAUSE COMPARISON KILLS CREATIVITY.

I can’t count how many times I compared myself to others. It’s belittling to your creative genius to do it. But I did it daily: with my weight, schooling, and worst of all my creativity.

We have a need as humans to express our feelings. Individuals with low self esteem, and those who have been ridiculed about their ideas tend to fall to the wayside.  Never finding what makes them feel alive. Perhaps finding their zone in doing trivial things. I know because I spent years trying to make other people happy and relive moments of glory. Not even my own glory, but sparks and remnants forged by someone else. Feeling like I could never create anything that was worth reading, listening to, or even looking at.

It began with self-esteem. I guess it ends with self-esteem, too.

It wasn’t until I started to accept myself that I let my mind move creatively.

There was life before, and then there’s life after. The pivotal moment was during high school; with reminders of memento mori and the impending adult life looming ahead. It took years for me to love my body, my mind, and acknowledge my right to make art.

Life is messy. Art is messy. Being human is messy.

Our membership to the human race is a limited edition package deal: riddled with flaws, heartbreak, and the freedom to create something that makes you proud and expresses what you believe. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about what you’ve created; you are brave and you did the thing. How else will you find a voice if you do not speak about what’s your mind?

That was my thinking anyway, and I haven’t looked back.

Speak your truth.

Tell your story.

Shout it from he rooftops. Listen to other rooftop stories. They’re building their voice same as you.

Learn. Speak. Plan. Embrace the zone.

~musicalwayfarer

 

 

Self Doubt: A Prelude to Letting Go

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Recently I have fallen victim to a tyrannical monster: self doubt.

In the past few weeks I have fallen from my divine place alongside vanity, pride, and the other warm and welcoming (little sarcasm here) vices. The journey to self doubt has shown some light on a few things. Frightening realizations about my ability to be a independent woman. Mostly, my fall has given me an unsettling sense of defeat. How could I possibly overcome this?

I needed to find courage to “bite the bullet” and admit my own deeply ingrained flaws.

I never claimed to be perfect. My flaws were always evident; but I usually tried so hard to hid them. Like I was trading parts of myself for something store-bought and new.

It’s quite upsetting how we hide what we really are; like we’re ashamed of what makes us unique.

I am almost certain I have ADD. I lack motivation and hardly have the willpower to complete the projects I begin (like this one…). The road to hell is paved with good intentions, I guess.

Anyway. Self-doubt has got me down, or at least HAD me down. I’ve undergone some very severe life changes in the past 6 months, and adjusting to them has made me the stronger.

But we will always have the little voice telling us “look who’s doing it better”, or “I’ll never be that great, anyway”. The most difficult part of life is to not listen. Don’t give in or let it consume you. If you do you might be stuck living the same day over and over again. Groundhog hell.

I will post more about my experiences and what I’m doing now to combat self doubt. But for now, I’ll leave this preview of what’s to come.

Until next time, folks.

~musicalwayfarer